My liver just broke up with me...
I wish i was in the wii world.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There r osticjed everywhere
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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