i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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