I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
