i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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