I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize