So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
