UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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