Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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