I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
