I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
