I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
