If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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