I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
