The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
