I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
