if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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