someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize