I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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