Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
