i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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