No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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