you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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