I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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