I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
