Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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