Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize