do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
