My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
