Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
