We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
