I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
