my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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