WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
