i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
A bitchslap is in order.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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