GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Randomize