I can text with my tongue
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
