New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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