Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
