that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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