Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
