I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
4 words: hood of his car
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
