Tell her she can't have a vagina
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
