I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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