Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
