he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
