Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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