bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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