you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I love how my cats smell like pot.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Can I color on your dick again?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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