If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
