ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
