I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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