It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
