I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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