I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
