why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
