I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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