I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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