very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
