I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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