Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
