He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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