I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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